A Valentine’s Day Survival Guide

Like all holidays, Valentine’s Day doesn’t ask if you’re ready. It just arrives, on schedule, full of expectations: that you have someone, that you’re celebrating, that love looks like flowers and dinner reservations. But not everyone is there. Some people are grieving. Some are single. Some are just over it. If that’s where you are, or if you love someone who is, here’s your Valentine’s Day Survival Guide.

For Those Who Are Grieving

1. Feel What You Feel:  You might want to honor your partner’s memory. You might want to pretend the day doesn’t exist. You might feel okay until a commercial blindsides you, and suddenly you’re crying in your car.

It’s called amplification: holidays don’t just stir up grief, they turn up the volume. When everyone around you is celebrating love, the absence of yours gets louder. The day says, “feel happy, romantic, celebratory.” And you don’t. The gap between what the world expects and what you actually feel creates a second layer of pain—grief about your grief.

2.It’s Okay to Step Back: You don’t owe anyone anything, even on a holiday.

If you need to…

• Mute social media
• Skip the party
• Avoid the romantic movie marathon
• Ask people not to send cards

…do it.

3. Create Your Own Ritual (If You Want To): Some people find comfort in marking the day their own way:

• Writing a letter to your loved one you’ll never send
• Visiting their grave
• Cooking their signature dish
• Playing their favorite album
• Making a donation in their name
  
  

Dr. Megan Shen, a psychologist who writes for Psychology Today, suggests that integrating your loved one’s memories into the holiday can be meaningful. But only if it feels right to you.

4. Reach Out: Grief can be isolating, and Valentine’s Day can make it worse. If you’re struggling, talk to someone. A friend. A family member. A counselor. A support group. One person who reached out to GriefShare, a nationwide grief support network, put it simply: “GriefShare helped me to know I am not alone.” Sometimes that’s exactly what you need—one person, one group, who gets it.

For Those Who Want to Help

1. Don’t Stay Silent. Your instinct may not be to bother them, but who are you really trying to protect? Them or your own feelings of being uncomfortable talking about a subject that may make them sad? They’re already thinking about it. The absence is already there. Your silence doesn’t protect them—it can make them feel forgotten.

Send a text. Make a call. Keep it simple:

• “I’m thinking of you today.”
• “Valentine’s Day might be tough. I’m here.”
• “Just wanted you to know I remember [name] too.”
  
  

Read more about Why It’s Important to Acknowledge Someone’s Loss.

2. Make A Specific Offer: Saying “Let me know if you need anything” is well-intentioned, but it puts the burden on someone who’s exhausted. Instead, try:

• “I’m dropping off soup tomorrow—what time works?”
• “Want to come over Valentine’s night? We can order takeout and watch something dumb.”
• “I’m running errands. What do you need from the store?”

3. Let Them Lead: Maybe they want to talk about their partner all night. They might want to talk about anything else. And maybe they just want someone nearby. Ask what they need. Then respect the answer.

4. Remember That Grief Doesn’t Expire: Valentine’s Day isn’t just hard the first year. After the first year, fewer people remember to check in. Don’t assume someone has “moved on” because time has passed.

For Those Who Are Single

Valentine’s Day can be hard even when grief isn’t part of the picture. Whether you’re single by choice, by circumstance, or somewhere in between, February 14 has a way of making you feel like you’re on the outside looking in. The couples’ dinners. The engagement announcements. The assumption that everyone has someone.

I remember being single and working in an office. Every February 14, bouquets, balloons, and candy would arrive at the reception desk. If I were dating someone, I’d hope one of those deliveries was for me. If I weren’t, I’d try to push down the feelings of being alone on what is supposed to be—according to Hallmark—the most romantic day of the year.

 “The fact that this nationally celebrated holiday exists at all sends a message that people are supposed to be in a romantic relationship,” says Geoffrey MacDonald, who studies relationships at the University of Toronto. That feeling of being left out? It’s not just in your head. Research from UCLA shows that social rejection activates the same pain centers in the brain as physical injury. A broken heart isn’t just a metaphor.

Some things to keep in mind:

1. You’re Not Broken: Being single on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re single on Valentine’s Day. And being alone isn’t the same as being lonely. You can be alone and perfectly content. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. What matters isn’t whether you have a date on February 14—it’s whether you feel connected to the people in your life.

Being single is not a problem to solve: it can be fulfilling when your relationship needs are met through friendships, family, and community, according to a UC Berkeley study. You’re allowed to just be where you are.

2. Make Plans That Have Nothing to Do With Romance: The day doesn’t have to be about romantic love—or about the absence of it. Reframe what it means for you.

• Spend time with friends
• Take yourself somewhere you’ve been wanting to go
• Cook a good meal
• Start a project
• Volunteer somewhere
• Treat it like any other day (because it is, after all, just a day)

3. Try Not to Compare: On Valentine’s Day, social media is a highlight reel of flowers and proposals. If scrolling makes you feel worse, put your phone down. What you’re seeing isn’t the whole story. If you find yourself feeling like you’re missing out, studies show that FOMO is real. You’re not being dramatic. You’re being human.

For All of Us

Valentine’s Day is complicated when loss or loneliness is part of your life.

• If you’re grieving, do what helps. Skip what doesn’t.
• If you’re single, you don’t have to make it mean anything.
• If you’re supporting someone, show up. Say their person’s name. Let them know they’re not forgotten.
  
  

Valentine’s Day will arrive whether you’re ready or not. You have a choice in how you move through it, in whatever way that works for you.

Carrie Phelps-Campbell, Blog Contributor
Tippecanoe Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services